It's been a while since I've written but this is the first morning in a month or so that I've had my head on straight and can think and breath. December was a whirlwind of tears, work, crafts, tears, Riesling, girl's nights, and more work, and occasionally sleep. It was so bad that I didn't have A. Time, or B. the Will to put up my Christmas tree until Christmas Eve-Eve, now that it's up, it's staying up because I forgot how pretty it is. I'll take it down in March when he gets home. On a scale of one to ten, it was not a great month. Everything that I had been putting off because Jeremy is gone, or thinking that I could do but can't, came to a head in December.
I'll number it up for you,
37 hours at Starbucks each week (except for this past week, which I only worked 25 and am very grateful for)
20 Christmas craft orders (signs and shoes)
5 mermaid gigs
2 dogs
1 house, and me.
It added up fast, and definitely got the best of me. I'm one of those people who hate asking for help, asking for help means you are weak, you can't do what you say you were going to do, you procrastinated, or you are not perfect. I kept answering, "I'm doing great, things are fine" when people asked me about the deployment and life when in truth they were not. Eventually it caught up with me, and when my best friend Dee asked and came over I just broke down. She gave me some advice and helped me out. My other close friend Beth let her daughters come over when I was working 8 hour shifts to let the dogs out and play with them so I didn't have to worry about them tearing up the house, Angie, (who I'm pretty sure is an angel in human form) invited me over for Christmas Eve and Christmas, and has made me feel so loved with her family, and even got my boys a couple toys for Christmas. I even found a prayer partner after praying for one for quite a few months, we are getting together now that the holidays are over because December I couldn't think straight. Without my close Hawaii Ohana here, it would be a very different situation now. Once I asked for help, it was given and I was able to step back and rearrange important things.
I was also thinking about how in the Bible or just through pastors they tell you that God never gives you more than you can handle, which I think is total codswallop. If he never gave you more than you could handle then why would you ever need to rely on him, or go to him for comfort and love? It would completely reduce why God is in our lives. So I keep remembering that, that I'm not supposed to do it on my own, and I notice that when I pray in the morning and get my God time in that things just go a little smoother that day. :-) One step at a time right?
Deployments, TDY's, assignments and more are difficult and hard. Whether it's 1 week or 1 year, or God forbid 18 months (yay not being in the army and so only having a year the longest possible TDY), it'll take a toll on the family, and life. I'm growing as a person since Jeremy is gone, I've learned to ask for help when I need it, I've learned to incorporate God into my life as not a prayer, or a Bible reading time, but as something I can consistently lean back on, and I've learned to multitask (sometimes too much multitasking).
January is going to be a solid month, my family is coming, I have less hours at work, and I don't have 2943894389 Christmas orders. PLUS, only two months till the love of my life is home.
I'm looking forward to it, you forget how much you rely on your spouse and the parts about them that make you who you are, and help to bounce ideas off of, and encourage you. I'm a very blessed wife to have married the man that I did, and I'm excited for him to come back in March to make our marriage even stronger than before.
To living life one step at a time, and asking for help,
Love,
Amber Jane
