Disclaimer: I have had tons of fun on the mainland and have lots of stories and pictures to show, but that's not what this post is, I'll do that one tomorrow, this post is a little more serious.:: End Disclaimer
So, lately I've felt off in my walk with God, I felt off a little in Hawaii even though it's like the first place Jeremy and I have ever truly belonged as a couple, everything has fit right into place and I am so beyond happy in Hawaii. One of the reasons Jeremy and I married in college (which lately everyone has pointed out was quite young, I don't argue but we had reasons that made sense for us) was so we could understand how to live together and work together efficiently as a couple before we had to go out into the real world, now that we are in the real world I am so thankful for those first two years of marriage in college that we had to figure out different things, like that I don't mind vacuuming, or walking the dogs, but dishes and clothes are like mosquitoes, and do matter how many times you swat them they keep coming back.
Since we settled in Hawaii, and everything else is going good I've been wanting to grow in my faith, I've been searching for more, if you don't know me, and most you do, know that if I'm going to do something I'm going to do it full out, no half-sies, no mulligans, do it right the first time. My walk with God has seemed stagnant, this is partially caused by my priorities going everywhere and not fitting in quiet time, and not putting near enough effort into my faith. So today I talked with an amazing woman of God and we chatted about life and God and it was really good, healing for my soul. Sometimes I feel as though I screw up so much or come to God with questions or doubts, and a "I understand you are real, but what about _________" that I he'll eventually say 'Aj, I'm over it, I'm over you, you're done, and I'm revoking your "Christian Pass", or that he'll slam down the hammer and set me straight. I'm not sure where I get this idea from, perhaps from the media's view of a God that is all fire and brimstone (don't even get me started about TV shows that have Christians, what ever happened to a normal Christian, you always have normal Buddists, and Jews, but what about normal every day Christians? Not all of us are crazy right wing, "believe in God or feel the wrath of God immediately people") Perhaps I have listened to the 'Media Christian' too much and feel like God is going to strike me with a thunderbolt, (is that too Greek Zeus-ish?), better stick with fireball.
For some there comes a time where they question their faith, this has never been a concept for me to grasp as the church and content of my Christian life from a young age has been chalk full of miracles, and amazing things that God has done, and terrifying things that both my brother and I have seen from the other side of things. We know it's real, we know God's real.
That's not the question, it's how to live with God's presence with you all the time. How do you get there? Is there a rain dance you have to do? (I'm a good dancer, I could learn that quickly and I would actually prefer that to atoning for every sin I've done for the last 5 months, that would be a lot of Hail Mary's, although I would if that was the answer). Is it after you read the Bible for the 15th time? (I'm not even all the way through, I've got some work to do). When you think about it in big picture words I just feel flat out unworthy. It's hard to think of yourself as a princess or bride of Christ when you just did something you know you weren't supposed to, or thought bad thoughts. I feel more like the kitchen cook of the castle. How do you begin to start that intimacy with Christ, and how do you share your heart when you don't even understand it? This is what I've been searching and struggling with, and today I realized that although you don't always hear God, he's here, he heard me pour out my soul to my friend/mentor, and still accepts me, I also need to accept me. No hate from Him, however I know there is more. And I realized that I'm not ready yet, I need to prepare my heart and soul, strip away the excess, how many lies do we believe in our lifetime? How many ideas of perfection do we get wrapped up in?
September is for me, going to be a focus month, to shuck down (I love the word shuck, it's just a solid word, very Iowan of me, I know) all the unnecessary things and just listen to God and refocus. I don't know what God has next for my life, but I'm ready to go deeper, I don't know what that will look like, but I do know I don't want to feel like a pretender, I don't want to be stuck in this drudge that is my current walk with God, and I don't want to feel like I'm trying to be this perfect person, I just want to be real, I want do do the dishes because God has called me to love my husband (Acts of service, why couldn't he pick an easier one?) ;-) and I want to read the Bible because I know God will show me a revelation, not because it's something I'm supposed to do and belongs on my chore list. I want to let God lead, and me to follow. I'm not sure all that I want, but I know God does, and if I let go of all these different things that propel me forward and toward who knows what, then I only need to listen to God and Jer, and I know it'll all be alright.
I don't know what's next (God help me), but I think it's going to be really cool, and thought I'd share, because I know I can't be the only one thinking all of this.
Love,
Aj
