It's been a while since I've written but this is the first morning in a month or so that I've had my head on straight and can think and breath. December was a whirlwind of tears, work, crafts, tears, Riesling, girl's nights, and more work, and occasionally sleep. It was so bad that I didn't have A. Time, or B. the Will to put up my Christmas tree until Christmas Eve-Eve, now that it's up, it's staying up because I forgot how pretty it is. I'll take it down in March when he gets home. On a scale of one to ten, it was not a great month. Everything that I had been putting off because Jeremy is gone, or thinking that I could do but can't, came to a head in December.
I'll number it up for you,
37 hours at Starbucks each week (except for this past week, which I only worked 25 and am very grateful for)
20 Christmas craft orders (signs and shoes)
5 mermaid gigs
2 dogs
1 house, and me.
It added up fast, and definitely got the best of me. I'm one of those people who hate asking for help, asking for help means you are weak, you can't do what you say you were going to do, you procrastinated, or you are not perfect. I kept answering, "I'm doing great, things are fine" when people asked me about the deployment and life when in truth they were not. Eventually it caught up with me, and when my best friend Dee asked and came over I just broke down. She gave me some advice and helped me out. My other close friend Beth let her daughters come over when I was working 8 hour shifts to let the dogs out and play with them so I didn't have to worry about them tearing up the house, Angie, (who I'm pretty sure is an angel in human form) invited me over for Christmas Eve and Christmas, and has made me feel so loved with her family, and even got my boys a couple toys for Christmas. I even found a prayer partner after praying for one for quite a few months, we are getting together now that the holidays are over because December I couldn't think straight. Without my close Hawaii Ohana here, it would be a very different situation now. Once I asked for help, it was given and I was able to step back and rearrange important things.
I was also thinking about how in the Bible or just through pastors they tell you that God never gives you more than you can handle, which I think is total codswallop. If he never gave you more than you could handle then why would you ever need to rely on him, or go to him for comfort and love? It would completely reduce why God is in our lives. So I keep remembering that, that I'm not supposed to do it on my own, and I notice that when I pray in the morning and get my God time in that things just go a little smoother that day. :-) One step at a time right?
Deployments, TDY's, assignments and more are difficult and hard. Whether it's 1 week or 1 year, or God forbid 18 months (yay not being in the army and so only having a year the longest possible TDY), it'll take a toll on the family, and life. I'm growing as a person since Jeremy is gone, I've learned to ask for help when I need it, I've learned to incorporate God into my life as not a prayer, or a Bible reading time, but as something I can consistently lean back on, and I've learned to multitask (sometimes too much multitasking).
January is going to be a solid month, my family is coming, I have less hours at work, and I don't have 2943894389 Christmas orders. PLUS, only two months till the love of my life is home.
I'm looking forward to it, you forget how much you rely on your spouse and the parts about them that make you who you are, and help to bounce ideas off of, and encourage you. I'm a very blessed wife to have married the man that I did, and I'm excited for him to come back in March to make our marriage even stronger than before.
To living life one step at a time, and asking for help,
Love,
Amber Jane
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
I'm selfish and I'm okay with that.
So I've recently decided (although I've suspected for a while) that I'm selfish...and I'm okay with that.
I have two dogs, and taking care of two dogs is more work than not having any, especially with mermaiding, crafting, and starbucking, as well as being a wife from a far, and sole charge of the house.
I would love to have children. Hopefully someday maybe we will have children. Jeremy will make a great dad, I think I'd make if not a good mom, then at least an interesting one. However I'm not ready to give up my late nights with my girl friends, and quiet time when I need it, the ability to sleep in as long or as little as I'd like (spare from work). I'm selfish in that I want to mermaid until I'm sure that my toes will never be the same (I already have some permanent scaring). I want to be able to spend more time with my husband before sharing him and our time with someone else, who will need more than I will sometimes feel I am capable of giving.
I don't know all that is involved in being a mom, I'm not sure all moms do, but I know that it takes selflessness, and time, and courage, and the understanding that life will never be the same. We are in Hawaii and have the ability to travel (as long as we can get a pet sitter), having dogs has taught me a lot, and one of them is that I'm not ready yet for kids. Arranging for someone to let the dogs out is hard enough sometimes, but child care, and not working, or working part time is a huge obstacle. When you have kids they become the third most important thing in your life (after God and husband...still working on my priorities...still haven't gotten that down yet). I want to be able to keep living relatively care free, and if that makes me selfish than so be it. I'm okay with waiting, sometimes I see a ridiculously cute baby and I wish and pray that I'm pregnant and then I see a crazy-on-crack baby (Not actually a crack baby, but just a loud screaming baby), and then I tell Jer we are waiting another 10 years. :-)
Many people are supportive of Jeremy and me and whatever we decide, but I recently came to this understanding, and I think it's a valid representation of how I feel, and not a bad thing at all. I would love to have children right now, we are relatively financially able to have children (are you ever really ready?), and we are stable in our marriage, but it comes down to the fact that I'm not done having fun and being able to do things on my own time schedule.
Disclaimer: I have many friends who have children and have amazing lives, and do tons of cool things. Just for me at the moment, there are still many things I want to do before having children and focusing on raising a little one with as much glitter and awesomeness and fairy/mermaid skills as possible.
Just thought I'd share,
Love,
The selfish one who will eventually raise children in an atmosphere of love, acceptance, and delicious food and crafts.
I have two dogs, and taking care of two dogs is more work than not having any, especially with mermaiding, crafting, and starbucking, as well as being a wife from a far, and sole charge of the house.
I would love to have children. Hopefully someday maybe we will have children. Jeremy will make a great dad, I think I'd make if not a good mom, then at least an interesting one. However I'm not ready to give up my late nights with my girl friends, and quiet time when I need it, the ability to sleep in as long or as little as I'd like (spare from work). I'm selfish in that I want to mermaid until I'm sure that my toes will never be the same (I already have some permanent scaring). I want to be able to spend more time with my husband before sharing him and our time with someone else, who will need more than I will sometimes feel I am capable of giving.
I don't know all that is involved in being a mom, I'm not sure all moms do, but I know that it takes selflessness, and time, and courage, and the understanding that life will never be the same. We are in Hawaii and have the ability to travel (as long as we can get a pet sitter), having dogs has taught me a lot, and one of them is that I'm not ready yet for kids. Arranging for someone to let the dogs out is hard enough sometimes, but child care, and not working, or working part time is a huge obstacle. When you have kids they become the third most important thing in your life (after God and husband...still working on my priorities...still haven't gotten that down yet). I want to be able to keep living relatively care free, and if that makes me selfish than so be it. I'm okay with waiting, sometimes I see a ridiculously cute baby and I wish and pray that I'm pregnant and then I see a crazy-on-crack baby (Not actually a crack baby, but just a loud screaming baby), and then I tell Jer we are waiting another 10 years. :-)
Many people are supportive of Jeremy and me and whatever we decide, but I recently came to this understanding, and I think it's a valid representation of how I feel, and not a bad thing at all. I would love to have children right now, we are relatively financially able to have children (are you ever really ready?), and we are stable in our marriage, but it comes down to the fact that I'm not done having fun and being able to do things on my own time schedule.
Disclaimer: I have many friends who have children and have amazing lives, and do tons of cool things. Just for me at the moment, there are still many things I want to do before having children and focusing on raising a little one with as much glitter and awesomeness and fairy/mermaid skills as possible.
Just thought I'd share,
Love,
The selfish one who will eventually raise children in an atmosphere of love, acceptance, and delicious food and crafts.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Day 3 of Deployment
This is my first deployment. I don't count Basic or Tech School because I was travelling and always doing things. I am in a house, with my two dogs. Crafting, working, eating, and sleeping.
I don't know how this deployment is going to go, and I'm nervous.
I don't know what I'm going to find out about myself and my new skills I'll need to cultivate.
I don't know what he is going to experience over there.
I'm not sure I know how I'm processing. At the current moment I feel a little numb which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it is strange thinking that he's going to come home, or I'm going to come home to him and him not being here. I also have to remember to get someone to walk the dogs while I'm at work, which is important, our carpet is not their bathroom. :)
Prayers for the Smit family will be greatly appreciated. It's a short deployment, and for that I feel quite blessed.. I'm not really looking forward to the holidays except for the fact that no husband in the house means I can put up my Christmas tree whenever I want, and keep it up for as long as I want. (Grandma you did not read that). EDIT: (I have been invited to like 4 different Christmas' around Hawaii, so I will be doing something positive and with people that day, so no worries). But I'm looking into some cool holiday activities to give back and serve, I might also get roped into working since he's gone. I'm not sure, so we'll see how everything rolls out. I have really amazing friends, and they are awesome, and I have a great church as well here. Plus with my new starbucks job I'll be staying busy. All those drinks are really hard to memorize, but I really like working there, I had to taste like 10 different drinks the other day, I named my Frappachino baby 'Charlie' :-)
Today I am cleaning and working on more signs and studying for my barista exam, I also woke up a little late to go to my favorite church...but they do live STREAM! So, I'm going to 'church' in my PJ's today.
That's pretty much it at the moment, weather is nice, there was an awesome thunderstorm the other day, and my hair is growing out, I can put the lower half in a super small pony tail....good feeling.
Love you all,
Aj
I don't know how this deployment is going to go, and I'm nervous.
I don't know what I'm going to find out about myself and my new skills I'll need to cultivate.
I don't know what he is going to experience over there.
I'm not sure I know how I'm processing. At the current moment I feel a little numb which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it is strange thinking that he's going to come home, or I'm going to come home to him and him not being here. I also have to remember to get someone to walk the dogs while I'm at work, which is important, our carpet is not their bathroom. :)
Prayers for the Smit family will be greatly appreciated. It's a short deployment, and for that I feel quite blessed.. I'm not really looking forward to the holidays except for the fact that no husband in the house means I can put up my Christmas tree whenever I want, and keep it up for as long as I want. (Grandma you did not read that). EDIT: (I have been invited to like 4 different Christmas' around Hawaii, so I will be doing something positive and with people that day, so no worries). But I'm looking into some cool holiday activities to give back and serve, I might also get roped into working since he's gone. I'm not sure, so we'll see how everything rolls out. I have really amazing friends, and they are awesome, and I have a great church as well here. Plus with my new starbucks job I'll be staying busy. All those drinks are really hard to memorize, but I really like working there, I had to taste like 10 different drinks the other day, I named my Frappachino baby 'Charlie' :-)
Today I am cleaning and working on more signs and studying for my barista exam, I also woke up a little late to go to my favorite church...but they do live STREAM! So, I'm going to 'church' in my PJ's today.
That's pretty much it at the moment, weather is nice, there was an awesome thunderstorm the other day, and my hair is growing out, I can put the lower half in a super small pony tail....good feeling.
Love you all,
Aj
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